For many, the holidays mean food, loved ones, and alcohol. Substances are used to celebrate the good and cope with the “bad” (or as I like to say— uncomfortable).

And for so many, a healthy life means a life without mood altering substances — alcohol, marijuana, prescription drugs used recreationally. A healthy life means a life of sobriety.

Healthy sobriety requires the ability to remain present and tune into your needs.

It requires intention — to explore triggers, urges to use, and identification of emotions. Substances are used to numb out feelings, to cope with discomfort. After years of using substances in this way, the brain is hardwired to connect discomfort with the act of numbing out. It knows how to make the feeling go away.

So, in early sobriety (which can be days, months, years), it’s important to begin practicing healthier coping strategies. (Note that I didn’t say perfect.) Begin to rewire the brain to connect uncomfortable feelings with healthier responses. For example, “I really want a drink” might be a cue to check in with yourself. How do you feel? What do you need?

As you get more and more comfortable using tools to cope with urges, you can begin feeling confident in your ability to remain sober — trusting that this is a healthy life for you.

Living in sobriety sometimes means experiencing discomfort.

There are times you choose to step outside of your comfort zone — including events at the holidays. Perhaps you’ve protected your sobriety by avoiding events and places where alcohol is served. You avoid the grocery store wine section, you don’t eat at restaurants where you used to drink, and you limit the amount of time you hang out with your “drinking buddies.”

You want to attend the annual gathering but you know there will be alcohol there.

How do you tolerate being around alcohol or substances?

First, identify your capacity to hold healthy boundaries at the event. Consider what tools you’ll be using to cope with any challenging emotions and thoughts.

Create a list — actually write it down — of all of your coping strategies. How can you cope with uncomfortable feelings? Step outside, call or text a friend, express yourself honestly (if emotionally safe to do so), drink water, bring along a non-alcoholic drink to enjoy, leave early, or distract yourself by watching a game on tv.

Explore what works for you.

Treat yourself with compassion. Know that there are a range of coping strategies, from healthy to less healthy. Be kind to yourself if you use less healthy coping strategies — like eating sugar, zoning out with tv, or isolating. In a different context, you’re enjoying something sweet, relaxing with a show, or spending time on your own. Alcohol use, at an unhealthy level, provides the opportunity to numb out — as does using these activities with limited moderation or balance.

Remember that living in sobriety is a significant life change.

It takes patience and self-compassion. It takes intention to remain present, advocate for your needs, and practice healthy ways to tolerate the uncomfortable. If you used alcohol or substances in an unhealthy way, odds are that your life was surrounded by these substances. Getting sober requires changes in all aspects of your life — including participation in holiday events.

It’s okay to say NO.

Decide which events are important for you to attend. The holiday work party that involves an open bar? If that sounds challenging, it’s okay to say no.

You also have permission to verbally set boundaries at events. Perhaps your family drinks alcohol at holiday events and it feels safe to request a change. Ask for no alcohol to be served at the dinner table or request that bottles aren’t left in certain areas. You can ask for support in a variety of ways. And, if you do not believe the hosts of the event can support your sobriety in this way, it’s okay to say no thank you.

You can change your mind.

You agreed to attend an event but something has changed. Maybe you learned about a large quantity of alcohol being served, people who display unhealthy behaviors will be present, or you simply feel uncomfortable. You’re allowed to change your RSVP.

Your health comes first.

Surround yourself with healthy people in a healthy environment. Protect your wellbeing by protecting your sobriety. You are worthy of taking care of yourself.