If you’re experiencing infertility, it can feel heavy and all-consuming. Your calendar is turned over to tracking and appointments. Your brain may be able to think of little else. In truth, wanting a baby and having to grapple with the fact that it may not happen is one of the worst experiences in life. 

In a way, infertility is its own form of grief. If you have ever lost a loved one, you might remember the drowning feeling--as if sadness crashes over you in continuous, unrelenting waves. Your grief is the only thought in your head, the only words in your mouth. Moving through the rest of your life (work, school, family or social obligations) feels not only impossible, but also wrong. 

Infertility’s grief is different from other kinds of grief. After, say, the death of a loved one, you continue to move through time away from the grief event itself. The more time passes, the bigger the space between the crashing waves. Eventually, you begin to breathe and heal. But when you are experiencing infertility, grief is literally cyclical. Every month, there is a new series of waves: attempts, procedures, hope, doubt, and disappointment. 

Every month, you are grieving the loss of an imagined future. It may be hard for others to understand something that seems so intangible, but these emotions are very real. When you add the additional effects of hormone therapy on the body, it makes sense why the feelings of this particular grief are so overwhelming.

One of the most unhelpful things someone can say when they find out you’re having difficulty getting pregnant is “you need to relax!” 

Have a glass of wine and stop worrying! It’ll happen. 

You’re stressing yourself out, and that’s why you can’t get pregnant.  

My friend got pregnant once she stopped trying. Just relax! 

When it comes to self care and infertility, “just relax” is no diagnosis. Self care through infertility requires a combination of mindset shifts, support, and good boundaries. Read on for some strategies (and a great response for anyone who tells you you’re not getting pregnant because “you’re too stressed.”)

ESTABLISH YOUR BOUNDARIES

It’s definitely more work than getting a massage, but one crucial self-care item for this time is establishing some boundaries. 

It’s okay to RSVP no to Mother’s Day functions, baby showers, and kids’ birthday parties. It’s also okay to take it a step further. You may not want to, say, visit a zoo, as that’s a place that will be swarming with children. Do not feel like you have to explain yourself. “Thanks so much for thinking of me! I won’t be able to make it,” is more than enough. 

Set boundaries around how much you want to share with others. In our society, unfortunately, many still think they have the right to pry into people’s life plans. People may ask “when are you two going to have a baby?” or say things like “don’t wait too long!” not knowing that you are drowning in this unbearable grief. 

It’s okay to feel angry or sad when people make these statements. 

Some responses to try: 

Thank you for your concern. We very much want children, [rest of sentence optional:] but it hasn’t happened as quickly as we had hoped. I don’t really want to talk any more about it now, as I would rather focus on [the reason why we are together today].

Or, I’d rather not talk about the status of our family. 

And for those who find out you’re experiencing infertility and suggest you’re too stressed: 

My doctor says stress doesn’t cause infertility--infertility causes stress. 

Or my favorite for when you need to be snarky: 

Wow. I wonder how people get pregnant in war zones and famines? 

Setting boundaries with other people is important, but it’s also important to set some boundaries on your own behavior. Social media can cause endless heartbreak when you’re struggling to get pregnant. Utilize the “hide” setting on Instagram or unfollow pregnant or kid-photo-posting friends on Facebook. You don’t have to cut these people out of your in-person life--learning to hold space for others’ happiness despite your own sadness may feel  important. But it’s totally fine to remove them from your downtime internet scrolling. 

DIVERSIFY YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM

It may help to think of your support system as two types of people: those who take your mind completely off infertility, and those with whom you can exhaust all the details and grieve. 

For “distraction support,” it can help to be up front with these friends and ask for what you need: You know I’m so overwhelmed with trying to get pregnant--I really need a day to let my brain take a break. Can you be my distraction today and make sure we only talk about other things?

If you have a friend or family member who has also experienced infertility, they may be an ideal support system for when you do need to talk about the heaviness of your experience. Infertility support groups are also perfect for this. In a support group, you will never be made to feel like your grief is too big or the details of your medical journey are too tedious. 

STRUCTURE SOME BREAK TIME

Living in the here and now is really hard when you’re dealing with infertility. So much of your energy is expended towards a future goal. Along with making sure your support system contains both distractions and listening ears, you may want to structure each month in a way that also promotes more balance. 

The two-week wait is one of the most difficult times of each month. It may help to split that time, especially. During the second week, go ahead and allow yourself to obsess over symptoms, test early, and go all-out in hand-wringing anticipation.

But during that first week? You already have all the information available. There is nothing more to know at the moment. Try this checklist of things to schedule during this week to keep you distracted and more grounded: 

• Time spent in nature

• Connection with your “distraction support” friend

• New entertainment: a movie, game, or new book

• Something relaxing: massage, pedicure, acupuncture, yoga, bath, etc.

• Time spent in a flow state

In part two of our posts on self care and infertility, we’ll talk a bit more about getting into that flow state, as well as other ways you can care for and honor yourself during this difficult time. 

So much in our society is focused on children and parenthood. When you want to join that club and it is inaccessible, it can feel like you are out of sync with the world. Remember that you are a full, complete person, with or without a child. You are worthy of love, support, and care, no matter how your “journey” towards parenthood ends.

This blog post is part two of a two-part series on infertility and self care. Click here to read Part 2.