This past year has been a great clarifier when it comes to relationships. We are more isolated than ever before, and maybe in more need of support than ever before, too. 

When you start therapy, one of the first things your therapist may ask you is who is in your inner circle. Everyone needs multiple forms of support in their life. One image that’s really stuck with me is that of a tent--most tents can’t stand up with only one tent pole. You are not the only tent pole supporting your family, your business, or even your own life. Everyone needs that support from others in order to withstand life’s unpredictable weather. 

Your inner circle should be assembled of people you can depend upon as your tent poles. Your therapist provides support, but that’s just the start. Other people in your inner circle might be: 

A friend
Your romantic partner
A family member
A colleague
Your sponsor or member of your support group
A neighbor

I talked with Matthew Brooks about some things to think about when it comes to your inner circle and with Laura Miles about what happens when you realize someone who used to be in your inner ring doesn’t belong there anymore. Read on for their insights, plus some thoughts on forming your inner circle in the age of social distancing. 

WHO IS IN YOUR CIRCLE? AN EXERCISE FROM MATTHEW 

MATTHEW BROOKS: The holidays are over, and the new year has begun. Now is a good time to reflect on what we experienced last year and how that may affect our year moving forward. One thought that comes to mind is not only what we let into our life, but who. 

Take time to think about the people who are close to you and how they got there. Here’s a directive to try: 

Create a circle on a piece of paper. Think of this circle as you. Then take some time and write down all the people you allow into your inner circle and what reasons they are there. You might even make a list of the standards you keep for those who make the circle. This is the first layer.

Then begin to think about an outer circle. These names may be people you are in proximity to, like family members or coworkers, but who don’t meet those standards for you to allow them to be close. Not everyone in your outer circle is toxic--some people you just don’t keep as close, even if you see them regularly. But we do want to recognize toxic relationships. 

Take the time to identify people within your circles who may be toxic. Where do they reside? In the inner circle, very close, or in the outer circle, at a distance? Are they in the appropriate circle? If not, how can you move them to the correct circle and begin to create better boundaries for keeping them at a safe and healthy proximity? 

Once you’ve completed your circles, take time to step back and look at the whole image. Does this represent how you function within your day? Is this who you are? 

Want to work with Matthew? Click here to book a free fifteen-minute consultation to see if art therapy could be a good fit for you. 

SO WHO MAKES THE CUT? 

Let’s take a look at Matthew’s question of the standards for your inner circle. Adele Stuckey says, “Creating your inner circle comes down to trust, empathy, boundaries, and respect. There should be a give and take--being supportive and receiving support. All of these things create the opportunity and safety for you to be vulnerable.” 

Here are a few “checklist” items you might consider for a person who makes your inner circle: 

They validate and challenge you
Support is authentic, consistent, mutual, and active
Honesty is encouraged and practiced
Vulnerability is welcomed, and you can put your guard down
All parts of yourself are welcome
You inspire each other to grow, and you accept each other as you change
You give each other good advice
You help each other during times of struggle, not just the good times
You feel stronger together

One standard a lot of people are considering this year is shared values. Through both political turmoil and the pandemic, you may have noticed that some people in your inner circle have values that sharply diverge from your own. We’ve been asked to consider a lot of complicated questions this year: What is more important--collective safety or personal freedom? Kids’ mental health or the physical health and safety of teachers? My religious beliefs about one issue, or policies that can hurt my friends and family? In many instances, we’ve had to take action and make decisions without all the data. But when it comes to your inner circle, you probably need the people you hold closest and rely on for support to be of like mind and action. 

Another way to gauge who might make the cut for your inner circle is what writer and artist Austin Kleon calls “the vampire test”: 

“If after hanging out with someone, you feel worn out and depleted, that person is a vampire. If, after hanging out with someone, you still feel full of energy, that person is not a vampire...Vampires cannot be cured...banish [them] from your life forever."

I think Kleon is talking about “energy” in a different way than what we might think of with, say, introversion vs. extroversion. Introverts feel drained and need time alone after basically all social interaction, while extroverts usually feel jazzed up and more energetic after being with people. By that standard, introverts would have no inner circle, because everyone’s a vampire. (Some would agree with this.) 

For the vampire test, think beyond exhaustion-and-recharging energy. Think about the emotions you feel after a day with each person in your inner circle. Do you feel calmer? Inspired? Accepted? Or, after a day with this person, do you feel bad about yourself? Stressed? Questioning everything, and not in a productive way? 

If you do take a look at your inner circle and start thinking someone may be a toxic vampire, make sure to also check in with yourself. Don’t blame others for “toxic behavior” without first examining if there’s something you might change on your end. You have to be accountable for yourself, too. 

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I DECIDE SOMEONE’S NOT ALLOWED IN ANYMORE? 

LAURA MILES: I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the opposite of the inner circle--what happens when someone isn’t allowed in the circle anymore? 

We hear cliches about how “if your friendship lasts more than X amount of years, you’re friends for life,” but that isn’t always true. Friendships come and go just like other relationships, and I don’t think we talk enough about grieving the end of a friendship. It's not like the loss of a family member, right? It shouldn't be as devastating. Anyone who's lost a close friend can tell you it can be more painful than losing family or a partner. 

When you lose a friendship, you are losing that shared history, that inside joke, that unspoken psychic connection with someone, and that hurts. A lot. I've had to end friendships purposely or choose not to rekindle ones that have faded when I realized I was giving more to the relationship than I was getting out of it. This is a big thing for me, because I thrive on being helpful to people. This means it's really important to have restorative, supportive relationships that keep me going through the hardest days.

It hasn't been easy for me in these moments when I knew the friendship wasn't working anymore. It felt like failure, like I didn't do enough, give enough, be enough, to keep the friendship going. 

Even though there was value in the past, it's also important to recognize when the relationship has lost its value. This sounds very much like I'm using my friends for selfish reasons, but that's not it at all. It's about trusting that person with your full self--your most vulnerable self-- so that you can completely fall apart in front of them and they won't hesitate to offer comfort. So that they will come bail you out of jail at 3am (or, in some cases, are sitting there right beside you). So that they can hear you lament about your latest relationship while also holding you accountable to your own happiness (read: compassionately challenge you to consider that maybe what you're doing isn't productive). The people I keep closest to me are all capable of doing those things--we give each other the space to show up in any state. 

When friendships end, it can feel a lot like "all that time was wasted," but that doesn't have to be true. We might have lost the future of that relationship, but that shared history is a beautiful and important thing. It's normal and healthy to grieve a lost friendship. In many ways, I think friendships can be the most influential relationships we have, and we should hold onto the great ones in adulthood. We have to remember, too, that our friends and our friendships are imperfect. We love them anyway, and understand that they don't want perfect friends, either.

Laura Miles has two openings available for adult clients, and is in-network with CareFirst BlueCross BlueShield insurance. If you’d like to work with Laura, email info@alexandriaarttherapy.com to get started. 

FORMING YOUR INNER CIRCLE IN A PANDEMIC

Maybe you’ve spent some time thinking about your inner circle and realize that many of your relationships aren’t meeting your standards for the inner ring anymore. How do you go about making new connections or deepening quality relationships from your outer ring when...it’s a pandemic out there? 

First, you can increase your communication with those existing relationships you’d like to see deepened. Texting and Zoom may be poor substitutes for time spent together in person, but they can go further than you’d think. Second, if you don’t have any formal structures of support in your life (therapy, a support group), now is a perfect time to try something new. 

Above all else, the thing that has helped me form a supportive inner circle is to be open to surprise. Because many of us form important friendships and relationships when we are in college or college-aged, a lot of us have trouble imagining potential friends outside of our age and interest demographics. As a rule, I say: be open to friends who would never have been assigned to your college dorm. People older than you. Of a different race or religion. People in different life phases from yours. 

And in a pandemic, when so many of our old avenues to make connections are gone, support may come from unexpected environments. I expected to find “mom friends” at playgroup and baby music class. Instead, I found them...on Instagram. 

If there is any bright spot to be found when thinking about our inner circles in a pandemic, it’s that you may find it easier to set new boundaries for toxic relationships right now. If possible, use health experts’ recommendations for social distancing as an opportunity to explore what it feels like to have space from this relationship. Give yourself permission to seek out sturdier tent poles. Create an inner circle that holds you up and keeps you safe when life’s hardships roll in.