This isn’t what I was promised about becoming a parent. I had this vision in my head--sitting on the carpet in a library, surrounded by other parents and their little ones. The librarian is leading storytime, and the mom next to me leans over. 

“How do you tie those baby wraps? I can never figure it out,” she asks, noticing the fabric still wound around my body. 

“It’s easier than it looks,” Imagination-Me says. “Want to go to the park after this and I’ll show you?”

From there forms a beautiful friendship--someone to text with when my child suddenly won’t sleep, someone to eyeroll with about unsolicited parenting advice from relatives. Someone to tell me when there’s a sale at Baby Gap. 

But instead of a library fantasy, we got pandemic parenting. Storytime has migrated to Zoom, and social distancing has replaced playgroup. The venues for finding a community of parent-friends have closed. And even the distant interactions that remain (passing another parent pushing a stroller on the street, for instance) fall flat in a mask. I realize my old ways of connecting--a gentle smile, a mouthed hello--don’t work anymore. 

Has parenting another human being around the clock ever felt so...lonely? 

When I work with parents-to-be or new parents, I lean heavily on community. I ask my clients to think about who will make up their support system. Family, friends, care providers, doulas, lactation consultants? But the pandemic has ceased the “new baby parade”--where friends and family stop by, hold the baby, help with chores. And even some of the professional support has become more isolating--only one parent being allowed at the pediatrician, for instance. So many of the healthiest ways to parent (ask for help! be around people!) now feel upended. 

So many of the tricks we used to have for building community as a new parent no longer feel safe. In an effort to validate AND provide ideas, below are some ways you can adapt to connect with other parents. 

MAKE PLANS THAT FEEL RIGHT

Say “no thanks” to Zoom meetings but “sure” to an outside wave with as much distance as you need. (I can’t add any more screen time, for my toddler, y’all.) You may not feel comfortable with a full-on playdate, but even an across-the-yard chat may give you the boost of real-life interaction that Zoom can never fulfill. 

THAT SAID, LEAN ON THE TECH

When I was a new mom, I tried an app called Peanut that connected me with other mothers. In pre-pandemic days, this meant wrapping my baby to my body and meeting a fellow new mom for a cup of coffee. Did I meet anyone who turned into a friend for life? Nah. But I appreciated the chance to connect with another person who was also experiencing the postpartum haze. 

Introducing your baby to a stranger likely feels off the table when members of your own family may not have met your child yet. But Peanut can also be used just to text with other parents. If you don’t have close friends who are in the same life stage as you (you know the one--the naptime logging, potty training, baby led weaning, what is that weird rash?? phase), connecting over text message can help you build a community. 

KNOW WHEN TO ASK FOR EXTRA SUPPORT

Perinatal mood and anxiety disorders aren’t “just the baby blues.” Symptoms like anxiety, poor focus, daily crying, scary thoughts, or inability to sleep may be a cue that you’re experiencing a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder. Connect with a provider who is qualified to support you. Reach out here or look for a support group through Postpartum Support International.

ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOU ARE IN TRANSITION

Remind yourself--this is hard, and I don’t have to push myself out of my comfort zone. Becoming a parent is an enormous transition in and of itself. Parenting through a pandemic is virtually uncharted territory. There will be days when you don’t have the energy to connect. That’s okay. Staying in the house is okay. Ordering all your groceries for delivery is okay. Saying no to people who hint they want to meet the baby? Also okay. 

As you’re trying to take care of yourself and your child the way that feels right, remember that you’re relying on your intuition in the middle of a stress response. It can be difficult to trust your gut (or even feel it) when you’re oscillating between fight, flight, or freeze. It’s okay to be in survival mode right now. 

Just as babies go through easier and more difficult phases (yesterday she screamed at naptime, but today she’s fine??), so too will you have easier and harder days. Building connections and formal support when you have the bandwidth and energy to do so will give you someone to lean on when things get hard.