Discomfort: Moving Beyond Anxiety & Trauma

I started thinking more about discomfort during a conversation about Gen Z. 

“They’re all so anxious,” my fellow-millennial friend said. “They can’t turn in their assignments because of their anxiety. They say they’re awkward because of their anxiety. Even that laughing-with-tears emoji isn’t actual laughter--it’s awkward, anxious laughter. Sure, I’m anxious too, but I always just sucked it up and got my homework done!” 

It is, of course, the marker of an aging generation to dump on the one that comes after it. But it got me thinking: perhaps this anxiety-focused way of moving through the world isn’t a flaw in Gen Z’s ways, but rather an evolutionary advancement. 

The first step in any kind of growth is to first name your discomfort. In this, we can learn a lot from Gen Z as they normalize naming things like anxiety and trauma triggers.

This first step can take many people decades to achieve, and the Gen Z-ers are managing it in middle and high school. So many people move through life experiencing fight-or-flight or dissociative feelings that they don’t know how to name or manage. This discomfort prevents people from fully participating in their lives. 

Naming the discomfort (this is anxiety, this is trauma, this is grief) can help us trace its physiological or narrative roots, which can make us feel more in control of our lives. Well done, Gen Z! 

But in most cases, this is only the first step. So how do we find a way to live the lives we desire without being ruled by discomfort? 

INCREASING YOUR DISCOMFORT TOLERANCE

In his last column for The Guardian, Oliver Burkeman writes, “The capacity to tolerate minor discomfort is a superpower. It’s shocking to realise how readily we set aside even our greatest ambitions in life, merely to avoid easily tolerable levels of unpleasantness. You already know it won’t kill you to endure the mild agitation of getting back to work on an important creative project; initiating a difficult conversation with a colleague; asking someone out; or checking your bank balance – but you can waste years in avoidance nonetheless. (This is how social media platforms flourish: by providing an instantly available, compelling place to go at the first hint of unease.)” 

“It’s possible, instead, to make a game of gradually increasing your capacity for discomfort, like weight training at the gym. When you expect that an action will be accompanied by feelings of irritability, anxiety or boredom, it’s usually possible to let that feeling arise and fade, while doing the action anyway. The rewards come so quickly, in terms of what you’ll accomplish, that it soon becomes the more appealing way to live.”

Though Burkeman’s advice seems focused on ambition, this also applies to making your regular life better. Your goal doesn’t have to be “get my dream job.” Learning to tolerate discomfort might start with smaller things like “not breaking into a cold sweat in post-COVID-vaccine social situations” or “scheduling a doctor’s appointment over the phone.” (I see you, millennials.) Learning to tolerate discomfort can also help with heavier life moments. What do I say when my friend’s parent dies? How do I show up for my partner who just lost their job?

WHAT DO WE DO WITH DISCOMFORT? 

How can we extend our tolerance for discomfort? It may help to first take a look at what we do when we encounter discomfort in the first place.

We avoid. We structure our lives so that we don’t have to encounter it again. We make excuses. We numb. We zone out. We control. We try to fix. 

What if, in an uncomfortable environment, we could just be?  

AM I IN DANGER? 

Sometimes discomfort feels like a cringe. But other times, discomfort can feel like panic. In situations that make you anxious in this way, it may be helpful to assess if you are actually in any danger. Anxiety and trauma triggers can cause a fight or flight response in the body: pounding heartbeat, sweating, fast breathing, racing thoughts, an out-of-body feeling. When you experience these sensations, pause for a minute and look around. 

What do you see? Right now, is it accurate that there is no immediate danger? If so, remind your brain to check in with your senses. Right now, there is no immediate danger. Right now, I am here, not inside an event that happened in my past. Right now, there is no immediate threat in my space. Right now, I can remind my nervous system that I don’t need to be on guard. I can relax my muscles, breathe deeply, and remain grounded. 

When we talk about being “grounded,” we mean identifying the physical sensations as well as the mental “this feels awful.” Put a hand to your chest and feel your heart. Try to slow your breath. Take a deep breath in, hold it, and then release it slowly. This can help slow your thoughts and bring your focus to your presence in your body. 

PAUSE BEFORE YOU REACT

Another thing that can help you move from naming discomfort to learning to tolerate it is to slow down your reactive impulses. In many situations, you don’t need to react as quickly as you think. A snappy comeback in a tense conversation usually makes things worse, doesn’t it? 

In situations that bring about feelings of discomfort, pause for a moment. If need be, ask others for more time to respond or make a decision. Don’t fire off a gut-reaction response to a stressful email or text message. If the uncomfortable situation is a confrontation, don’t feel like you have to immediately jump to your own defense. Chances are, the other person is so worked up they won’t hear what you have to say anyway. Adding some space to the moment can diffuse tension and make sure you’re saying what you really mean. 

CONSIDER YOUR NUMBING BEHAVIOR

Humans numb discomfort in a variety of ways. Through food, alcohol, drugs, sex, scrolling Instagram...even exercise. 

In yin yoga, instead of moving through poses in a rapid flow, practitioners sink into a pose (usually on the ground) and try to release rather than activate their muscles. Each pose is held for several minutes. The discomfort sets in pretty quickly. Ligaments tug. Muscles twitch. Letting go and allowing gravity to tug you down when your knee is bent under your face isn’t easy. 

Many people find yin yoga to be much harder than vinyasa, even though it seems passive. Yin yoga is mental work, while vinyasa is more physical. In practicing yin yoga, allowing the body to exist through discomfort for long stretches of time, emotions inevitably rise to the surface. 

“Ugh,” I’ve had people say to me. “I just want a workout. I don’t want to deal with my feelings.” 

We tout exercise as the key to wellbeing, but are we actually using it as a numbing device to avoid psychological discomfort? Putting your body through the physical discomfort of, say, going for a run, shouldn’t be used as an avoidance tactic for other discomfort in your life. 

Learning to sit with discomfort ultimately lets us move through it rather than storing it within ourselves. Take a hard look at your patterns. Are you self-soothing, or are you numbing? 

THE CONNECTION WITH PEOPLE-PLEASING

People pleasing is one of the more hidden ways we try to stifle discomfort. People pleasing is another form of control. We don’t know how to sit with discomfort, so we try to smooth over awkwardness or others’ inappropriate behavior. We overcompensate for the deficiencies or differences of others’ words or actions, thereby taking ownership over them. 

How can you expand your capacity for discomfort in these situations? First, recognize that other people’s behavior does not reflect on you. This counts for your coworker in your team presentation, your child in public, your spouse at the family reunion. Other people’s behavior is their own. It is not your responsibility to modulate a group’s mood or make anyone happy. 

FIXING DISCOMFORT

As a society, Americans are pretty bad at sitting with discomfort. When presented with really hard things (grief, loss, depression, decline, tragedy), the urge to “fix it” seems to be hard-wired into our brains. 

Expanding your tolerance means not trying to fix the discomfort. If a friend shares hard news about a loss, for instance, resist the urge to minimize. Don’t offer platitudes or silver linings. 

At least you’re able to get pregnant. He’s in a better place now. At least she’s no longer in pain. 

Instead, sit with the discomfort and listen. Offer support and care rather than trying to minimize or speculate how things might not be so bad. 

That sounds so hard. Would you like to tell me more about what it’s been like? I’m here to listen. 

Fixing, ignoring, or suppressing discomfort only serves to make it worse. When the discomfort is our own, stifling it can get in the way of the things we want to achieve, and even our everyday functioning. When we suppress the discomfort brought by others, we either make the person feel invisible, or we amplify their power over us. 

THE GOAL

When we learn to tolerate discomfort, we can begin to move beyond our bodies’ anxiety or trauma responses and quickly discern which situations require high alert, and when our reactions are getting in the way of our day-to-day activities or goals. 

Learning to tolerate discomfort can improve your communication. Grounding yourself will allow you to be more deliberate with your words and actions, and to set better boundaries with other people. 

As we practice extending our capacity for discomfort, we can begin to heal. May we find, one day soon, that we no longer define ourselves by the terminology that once felt so important. Anxiety can become something we truly live with with rather than something that narrows our lives.