Affirmations, If-firmations, & The Power of Curiosity

I saw a video recently (ahem, some might refer to it as a...TikTok) that talked about “if-firmations” versus affirmations. I could write a whole other blog post on TikTok as a pandemic coping strategy. That aside, TikTok holds some real gems of advice from people working in mental health, and this one really stood out to me. 

WHAT ARE AFFIRMATIONS AND IF-FIRMATIONS?

So what are affirmations and “if-firmations”? Affirmations are statements we can tell ourselves to counteract our negative thought patterns or re-set our perspective. Sounds great! Where’s the problem? Well, affirmations (especially these days) can have a tendency to feel phoney or less true. Telling myself I love myself or I’m grateful for X, Y, Z or It’s all going to be okay may not feel quite right in my skin. 

What if you practied an if-firmation? Add in the statement “what if” before a statement that is neutral or positive. What if I like myself? What if I believed I can get through this hard time? What if I am strong enough to survive this?

If-firmations introduce the idea of neutrality in response to negative thought patterns rather than trying to force yourself to shift all the way to positive from negative. 

THE PATH TO HEALING

When clients first come to me to begin therapy, they’re often going through a hard time. Maybe they’re experiencing some kind of crisis or a difficult transition. When you’re going through something tough, it’s normal to want immediate relief, because your pain is significant. Ideally, we get from pain to relief as quickly as possible, but that relief won’t feel authentic if you haven’t moved through the stages of processing your experience. Just saying I am healed doesn’t make it true. Moving from negative thoughts to if-firmations can help ease your pain while giving you time and space to do the real processing work.

BRIDGING THE GAP

Reaching neutrality can be challenging, because going from negative to positive might be a huge leap. Going from believing I am not enough to believing I am enough--there’s a wide chasm between the two. And if you ask yourself to find the neutral space in that belief system, it’s hard to identify. What does it even mean to be enough? What is the neutral? Maybe it’s I am. Period. I am a human being. 

An if-firmation can help simplify that process. If you say What if I am enough?, something about that question might feel easier to grasp. It also opens up the possibility of having a conversation with yourself. What if I am enough? What does it mean, what does it look like? How might I channel that in a tangible way? 

WHEN POSITIVITY TURNS TOXIC

We live in a society obsessed with positivity to the point of toxicity. In this moment, we are experiencing the intersection of many crises. It can feel like the literal end of the world. We have a global pandemic that’s well into its second year. Climate change is triggering extreme weather and fires. As I’m writing this, I am following the humanitarian crisis in Afghanistan, secure in knowing that by the time I publish this blog, some other big, unwieldy news story will have taken over the airspace. 

And these are just the macro views, right? We also have the personal, individual experiences of all these things. Maybe you are deep in grieving someone you lost from COVID. Or you’re in a war with your extended family about vaccines. Or your home is in the path of a wildfire or a hurricane. Without fail, as you are living this collective and individual reality, there is someone who will come out of the woodwork to remind you to “stay positive!” Or “have faith!” Or “be strong for the kids!” 

The body often has a visceral reaction to positivity in times like these. When someone tries to paint a silver lining on your pain, you might feel physically ill, or your heart might beat faster. When your body rejects positivity so viscerally, it is nearly impossible to take in an affirmation and believe it. You can’t believe that everything is going to be okay, because your body is telling you no. 

NUANCED CURIOSITY FOR COMPLICATED PEOPLE

Even if you are a person who finds value in silver linings, positive affirmations might feel a little cheesy, or not nuanced enough for who you actually are. When you feel like a complicated person, it can be hard to maintain the suspension of disbelief required to live in what feels like a positive-thinking dreamworld. 

There are people who cling to optimism in times like this because it is the only way they know to be. But if positivity just makes your negative thoughts ramp up faster, consider an if-firmation instead. 

Instead of forced positivity, begin to approach your situation from a place of curiosity. Invite yourself to consider your capabilities. Crack open the door to who you could be. 

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