It’s Not You, It’s Me: How to Break Up with Your Phone

If you’re like me, you rely so much on your phone to keep your life going–everything from emails to banking to editing photos to finding concert tickets to…oh yeah, keeping in touch with friends and family. It’s so easy and convenient to have access to everything I might need anytime I need it (just like The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy—the truth IS stranger than fiction). It doesn’t seem possible to live in 2022 without a smartphone, and yet many people are doing it successfully. Over the course of the pandemic, I’ve had numerous conversations with people about their phone usage. Across the board, there are some uncomfortable (but not surprising) realizations: there’s a significant impact on happiness, attention span, and memory. At first this feels disorienting, but it actually makes a lot of sense.

Let’s take social media as an example. What does a typical 20-minute scroll through Instagram look like? An endless feed of photos and captions that we spend maybe one full second looking at (unless it’s the TSA account–their witty account is a must-follow). Stories that are only about 15 seconds long. Reels that have a 60-second time limit, often sped up a bit to cram in more information. Not to mention ads and sponsored content trying to win your money. With literally billions of pieces of data all clamoring for our attention, it’s no wonder our attention spans are being impacted. When we engage with content in this way, we’re actually training our brains to absorb information in small bursts, often losing details and failing to convert it into long-term memory.

So, what to do about it? Let’s take a look at some new approaches that might rewrite your relationship with your phone.

Consider Non-Negotiables

You probably use your GPS frequently and likely need access to features like a mobile hotspot and yes, sometimes even your work email. It’s really convenient to have things like your bank and health insurance accessible on your phone. Think about what things are necessary for your everyday life, and focus on streamlining the use of these apps. This can include other “automated” apps like reminders to water your plants, health-related practices such as working out or period tracking, meditation or tarot cards, or language-learning apps. Schedule these reminders for around the same time every day, at a time when you can run down the list of to-do items. Think of it as phone admin time–if you dedicate a specific chunk of time to update these trackers, you won’t be constantly going back to your phone throughout the day.

Set Limits

Create time boundaries around how much time you want to spend on your phone every day. You can get really specific about this, customizing this goal to fit certain apps. Once you’ve hit that time limit, hold yourself accountable to sticking with it. You might even come up with a consequence for what happens if you go over your time limit. Say, if you notice you’ve unlocked your phone 47 times and that’s over your limit, every time you unlock after that means you must donate a dollar to the re-election campaign for a politician you dislike.

Mute the Excess Noise

If you’re part of several group chats that are constantly blowing up throughout the day, or if you really want to limit how much a certain person has access to checking in, mute these notifications. Check the conversations on your own time–anyone with an urgent issue should call rather than text this information. Your phone exists for your own convenience, not for everyone else’s.

Go Analog

First up, buy an alarm clock. Really. Do not use your phone as your alarm. In fact, don’t even keep your phone next to your bed–move your charger into another room so that it doesn’t live in your bedroom. Don’t check your phone first thing in the morning, especially not emails. Hold off on doing Wordle until you’ve got your coffee and are ready for your day to start. Return to the analog form of other things, when possible. If you usually jot down thoughts on your notes app, but soon find yourself doomscrolling, try a paper journal and time set aside with your thoughts away from screens. Write letters to friends and family to send through the mail–what adult doesn’t love getting mail that isn’t bills or junk mail?

Curate your Digital Experience

Facebook not sparking joy anymore? TikTok taking up enormous amounts of storage space? Instagram becoming a mindless time waster? BYE. When purging your phone, keep only what you need. You might consistently need access to things like texting, emails, and GPS, but do you really need Netflix, HBO Max, Hulu, YouTube, AND Prime Video? I admit: I sometimes look at the ride wait times at Disney World, and imagining myself on Space Mountain makes me feel alive, but I honestly don’t need this app on my phone. Uninstall apps you haven’t used in the past month. Get rid of anything that makes it easier for you to spend money (RIP Target and Amazon). Say goodbye to games that–be honest–weren’t that fun in the first place.

For apps you do want to keep, think about who you’re following and what you see. This blog post has some good suggestions for how to hack your Instagram so that it’s improving, not harming your mental health.

Take a spring cleaning approach to cleaning out your digital life. Turn off notifications for apps as well as specific text groups/people. Unsubscribe from promotional emails. Consolidate apps and choose the one that works best. Do you really need Photoshop, Lightroom, and Afterlight for photo editing? You might also choose to delete certain apps from your phone, but allow yourself to access your account from the desktop version of the site.

Changing your phone’s background image can also be a nice reminder to keep your goals. I like this one from Austin Kleon.

I won’t deny, a lot of these practices are really hard. It may help to think of things in terms of the “80/20 Rule”: aim to keep good phone limits 80% of the time so that the 20% of the time when you need to be on it more (say, a life event that requires more communication with a text group, a long travel day where you’re stuck at the airport), the overuse doesn’t feel like the norm.

Learn to Tolerate Discomfort Again

If we boil it down, our addiction to our phones has a lot to do with our inability to tolerate discomfort. We use our phones to fill empty time because we can’t abide boredom. We jump on our phones when we’re in public as a way to avoid interacting with the strangers around us, or even as a way to fill uncomfortable silence. But boredom leads to creation, and skipping out on life’s uncomfortable moments also means skipping out on being human. When we use our phones to numb discomfort, we’re also weakening our attention spans.

Challenge yourself to sit with the discomfort. In a waiting room or on public transit, give yourself ten minutes to observe the people and things around you before you pull out your phone. During the workday, when you need to concentrate, put your phone out of reach. Do not take your phone to the bathroom (I know we all do this, but seriously, it’s gross).

And strengthen your attention span by doing activities that let your brain enter a flow state. (Art is a good place to start!) Engaging in something that challenges you or takes you out of your thoughts can be a good way to remind your brain that it doesn’t need the flickering stimulation of posts, ads, and comments.

Because ultimately, your phone doesn’t love you back, and this is one toxic relationship you can live without.