The Pause: A New Way to Think About Setting Boundaries
The idea of “setting boundaries” probably isn’t new to you. You may have heard it in therapy, or you may have seen reference to boundary-setting on social media.
In truth, “respecting my boundaries” has become one of the most weaponized types of therapy-speak, with many people misusing the idea of boundary-setting as a way to hold others to uncommunicated or unrealistic standards.
But setting a boundary isn’t about policing other people. It’s something you do for yourself.
Recently, I came across a new way of thinking about boundaries–set a boundary by taking a “pause.” Psychiatrist and author Pooja Lakshmin, in conversation with economist Emily Oster, talks about her book Real Self Care and how she began to think of boundary-setting in this way:
So I talk about boundaries as the pause, and I tell a story in the book about when I first graduated from residency at GW, and this was 2016, and it was my first day on the faculty. And my mentor who is the head of our women’s mental health clinic, she took me out for lunch. And I was bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, first day on faculty. And she was like, “The one piece of advice for you, I have, Pooja, is you don’t have to answer your phone. You can let it go to voicemail, and then you can decide after you listen, you can decide how to respond.” …And then for me in that context, it was like, okay, sometimes it’s the front desk and they have insurance paperwork, and I can call them back and say, I’ll do that. At the end of the day, sometimes it’s a patient who I know has ADHD, and if she misses a day of her stimulant, she literally might get into a car accident. So I’m going to put that refill in. But I decide. So the boundary is the pause, and then you get to say, yes, no, or negotiate, because the no always has a cost.
Here, Lakshmin literally creates a boundary between a request and a response to that request. By letting the calls go to voicemail and then addressing them, she puts the decision about urgency in her hands rather than in those of the caller. She also preserves the continuity of her day and decreases interruptions.
PAUSE THE INTERRUPTIONS
Do you do this already? The millennial stereotype, especially, is that we hate receiving phone calls. But the same technique can be applied to many kinds of interruptions–phone calls, emails, texts– especially if you find that your concentration is broken by attending to notifications when you should be focusing on deeper-thinking work. You might try taking a pause by closing your email window while you work for a set period of time, then take a look at the emails that accumulated during that period once you’ve come to a stopping point.
PAUSE BEFORE YOU COMMIT
Another way you can use “the pause” as a way to set boundaries is to take time before you commit to something.
That sounds like such a fun party! Let me check my calendar and get back to you.
That’s a tough question. I’d like to take some time to think and then let you know by Friday.
By resisting the urge (or expectation!) to give an answer right away, you allow yourself to really weigh your decision. Do you have enough bandwidth for a new project? Do you want to add more to your plate? Do you need to be more measured with your response? Take a pause.
PAUSE BEFORE YOU REACT
A pause can also help you to show up how you want to in your life–as a partner, a parent, a coworker. When you feel yourself getting activated or agitated by a situation, see if you can implement a pause before you react.
Your child throws a bowl of yogurt on the floor.
Your boss tells you a deadline has been moved up.
A stranger is rude to you in public.
Imagine if, in these situations, you didn’t allow yourself to react right away. By taking a pause, a breath, a moment to ground yourself and think, you can better control your reactions. This doesn’t mean you accept everything as it is. It just means that you can lead with the emotion of your choosing, rather than your more immediate impulse.
Are there other ways you’re using a pause in your life? Let us know in the comments!
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