Five Things I Wish I Knew Before Starting Therapy

For 2021, therapy is the new gym membership. If you’re starting therapy for the first time this year, congratulations. You’ve taken a huge step towards caring for yourself. You don’t have to shoulder the heaviness of this past year alone. 

As with beginning anything new, though, therapy can feel like it comes with a learning curve. After I started therapy, I remember thinking, “am I doing this right?” Broadly, it helps to remember that every therapeutic relationship is different. You are an individual, and so is your therapist--your therapy session isn’t going to look or sound like anyone else’s. And it’s definitely not going to look or sound like any therapy session you’ve seen depicted in the movies or on TV. With that in mind, here are five things I wish I knew before starting therapy. 

1. At First, It’s Gonna Feel Weird

From the time we’re babies, we are used to having conversations with a fair amount of give and take. You ask a question, I answer. I ask a question, you answer. I tell a story about my family, and that kicks off a story about yours. But on the therapy couch, the focus of all the talk (or art!) is on you. At first, I found this a little unsettling. I wasn’t used to talking to someone and not hearing stories or experiences about the other person’s life. And I wasn’t used to trying to form a relationship with someone without learning more about them. 

It’s okay if this feels strange. Therapy isn’t really a conversation. In the earliest sessions in therapy, it also helps to know that your therapist needs to gather information about your life and experiences up to this point. You may find yourself talking more early on than in later sessions, which may have more back-and-forth.

It also helped me to remember that, even though the relationship you have with your therapist is more personal than say, the one you have with your dentist, this is still a scenario in which you are investing in a service. Your dentist can clean your teeth even if you don’t know where she grew up or what he thinks about politics. Likewise, your therapist can help you even without the kind of conversations you’re used to having when getting to know a person. 

2. It’s Okay (And Good!) To Talk About the Process

Though it may feel meta, in therapy, it’s okay to talk about therapy. When I was first matched with my therapist, I was hesitant, because she was only a few years older than me. In my head, therapists were all 55-year-old women with eccentric glasses and artsy taste in scarves. So I brought these feelings of hesitation to therapy. 

If your therapist reminds you of your first girlfriend / your cousin / your second grade teacher, or if you have concerns about fit based on how your sessions are going, bring it up. It’s good to have everything out on the table so that you can unpack what might be going on. 

For me, my hang ups about my therapist’s age had nothing to do with her competence and everything to do with what I was going through in life. I had just lost my father, and was having trouble coming to terms with the fact that no adult was going to come to the rescue and tell me what to do. Maybe a parental-presenting therapist would have been a comfort, but it wasn’t what I actually needed to grow or heal. 

3. You Don’t Have to Put Yourself Together

In so many facets of our lives, we have to assemble a version of ourselves that’s “appropriate.” Maybe you moderate your language around your in-laws or have to wear a suit to work. Or when meeting new people--are you the most charming version of yourself? Or perhaps you’re guarded and hang back until you can assess? Pre-pandemic, even for a meet-up with close friends, I would straighten my hair and put on makeup. (Now, though? No one gets eyeliner for Zoom.)

You will get the most out of therapy if you can show up as your most authentic self. You don’t have to be funny or kind. You can be angry and sad. You can be coming apart. You can have unwashed hair and a bad attitude, and that is okay. You are not showing up for your therapist. You are showing up for yourself. This isn’t permission to sling abuses at your therapist--rather, it’s okay if they see you at your worst, and you should feel safe being your true self in your session. (And if you have trouble with that, go meta again--tell your therapist!) 

4. Your Therapist Isn’t Here to Prescribe You the Answers

It takes a lot of work to begin therapy. First, you’ve spent time grappling with the idea that you might need to talk to someone. Then there’s finding a therapist who can fit your needs, whether that’s for a specific issue or just a specific insurance plan. So when you finally get to that first session, it’s so tempting to say, “Okay, I’m exhausted. Please just fix me.” While your therapist is a trained professional, they don’t actually have all the answers. Therapy is not as easy as “meditate one hour a day, get some exercise, and think happy thoughts,” and then you’re cured. 

So many of your answers lie internally, and over time with your therapist, you can find them together. It’s a process. Your therapist will have strategies that can help you, or they might reframe your experiences in a way you hadn’t considered. It is not your therapist’s job to make your pain disappear. And really (one thing I learned in therapy!), trying to skip over the pain is pretty unhealthy. Your therapist  is there to sit with you in your pain as you experience it, and help you grow as it diminishes or changes. 

5. You Won’t Have an “Ah-ha” Moment Every Session

There will be times when therapy sessions seem cyclical. You’re churning over the same problems. You’re coming back to the same coping strategies. Is this going anywhere? Am I making any progress? 

Remember that therapy isn’t a box that you check and suddenly you’re healed and enlightened. Again--it’s a process. And, a lot of the time, healing isn’t linear. Whether you are in therapy to address trauma, grief, depression, addiction, or just a really hard year, there will be peaks and valleys in how you’re feeling, and there will be weeks or even months where going to therapy doesn’t seem to reveal anything major. So much of healing is about subtle shifts. Keep showing up, and you will see that the changes can be measured after a year, not after one glimmering ah-ha session. 

And often, true “ah-ha moments” take the form of, as Laura Miles named it, “inconvenient epiphanies.” The ah-ha moment often feels less like “oh, now it all makes sense!” and more like, “oof, now I have a lot of work to do.” Celeste Cantees says these moments are “about truly facing your reality instead of defending yourself against it. An epiphany is a lightbulb moment of insight...but that doesn’t always mean that insight is easy or convenient to where your life is at that very moment. But you're engaging with the courage to acknowledge it.” And with your therapist there to help, you are not engaging it alone. 

If you’ve just begun therapy, I hope the experience leads you towards authenticity and healing. And, if after reading this post, you think you might want to begin therapy for the first time, we are here for you. Several of our clinicians have immediate or upcoming availability for new clients. Send us an email at info@alexandriaarttherapy.com, and we can get started matching you with someone who can help. 

While 2021 may not be poised to be the “best year ever!,” investing in yourself and your mental health can make a profound difference in your ability to cope, and even position you to thrive. And that would be a happy new year, indeed.