I Bring the Calm

We’ve said it before, and it’s worth saying again: parenting in a pandemic is beyond challenging. Even though my child’s second birthday is next month, I still find myself identifying as a “new parent” and feeling like I never really know what I’m doing. In a way, though, I guess we’re all new parents--every phase of a kid’s life brings new challenges, and every child is different. 

One struggle I’ve been encountering a lot (no surprise with that aforementioned second birthday) is how...not to have a tantrum when my kid is having a tantrum. Can you relate? When my child has a tantrum, my first instinct is to react back: yell, slam things around, or at the very least hiss “why can’t you just be cooperative??” Cue my husband asking me why I’m so angry, me going on a rant about the patriarchy and failing pandemic support systems, and everyone ending up miserable. 

I BRING THE CALM

For me, affirmations don’t feel especially believable. Calling a phrase a “mantra” has always felt a little culturally appropriated (is anything I make up to say to myself really infused with sacred power?). But lately I’ve adapted “I bring the calm” as--let’s call it a motto. In moments where external stimuli are too much, we feel triggered, or we feel ourselves start to spin into anxiety or dissociation, a motto can bring us back to our intentions and values.

When we think about values, we tend to think about big things like “my family” or “my faith.” But it may be helpful to hone in on what your day-to-day survival values are. I identify as a highly sensitive person (HSP). I don’t really think I’m that sensitive in the traditional sense--you’re not going to offend me if you comment on my weight, ask me why I don’t have more kids, or leave me out of brunch plans. Rather, being highly sensitive means that I’m stimulus sensitive. Bright lights, loud noises, strong smells--too much sensory overload can cause me to shut down or have difficulty focusing. So when it comes to my values, one of the big ones is calm. I want my surroundings to be peaceful. I want my life to feel as calm as possible in these stressful times. And as a parent, I want my child to grow up in a home that feels calm and safe. 

As The Adult In This Situation, it’s up to me to remember my values when the toddler tantrum starts raging. My toddler’s frontal lobe is still Jell-O. I may suspect she’s a genius (YOUR KID, TOO???), but the reality is, she has no impulse control. She cannot rationalize her way through situations. And a lot of these emotions? She’s never felt them before. She may be feeling jealous, abandoned, or frustrated...for the first time. That’s enough to make my brain explode, just thinking about it.

So that means it’s my responsibility, as the one with the fully-developed frontal lobe, to bring the calm if it seems to have left the building. 

When is this the hardest? When I’m feeling triggered, myself. And it turns out nothing is more over-stimulating than the sound of your own child shrieking. 

This is why it’s helpful to have the reminder: I bring the calm. This is my part of the deal. I don’t have to fix her feelings. I don’t have to give in to her demands. I just have to bring the calm. 

Would this be a good therapy blog post if I didn’t give you an acronym to help unpack the process? 

C - Create a Safe Space

A - Accept the Feelings

L - Limit Reactions 

M - Make Connection

C - CREATE A SAFE SPACE

When your child is throwing a tantrum, first create a safe space. If they are flailing their body in such a way that they’re going to get hurt, move them to a different spot. If they are trying to hit, bite, or push you, move your body away. While you’re doing this, remind your child, “I have to keep your/my body safe.” 

A - ACCEPT THE FEELINGS

As a recovering people-pleaser, this one’s hard for me. Accepting the feelings goes two ways. First, accept your child’s feelings, even when they seem illogical. You’re upset because you asked for your stuffed rabbit and I...gave you your stuffed rabbit? Okay. It’s okay to be angry, disappointed, or sad. We as parents don’t have to fix those feelings. We can just be here for them and validate them. 

The second part of this, though, is accepting your feelings, too. For a lot of people, this part is harder. When we feel frustrated at our children (or when we start counting down to bedtime), it’s easy to slip into parent-guilt. While guilt, like all feelings, is one that’s okay to have, I wonder if it might be more helpful if we allowed ourselves to feel whatever we’re feeling in the moment rather than judging ourselves for it. I feel exhausted. I feel angry. I feel frustrated. I feel overwhelmed. Toddlers push buttons. It is absolutely okay to feel all of these things. 

L - LIMIT REACTIONS

Here’s where the motto really helps. Even when you are feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, triggered, angry--that’s for you to manage, not for you to bring to the outward situation with your child. I bring the calm. I can feel all of those feelings while at the same time bringing calm energy to my reactions. 

Limiting reactions often starts with the body. Take a few slow breaths. Lower the volume of your voice. Slow your speech. Slow your movements. 

Your child isn’t giving you a hard time. They’re having a hard time. Meeting that reality with calmer energy will deescalate the situation more quickly. It will help your child feel safe as they experience their feelings. And, for me, it circles back to my intention around my value of having a calm, peaceful home for my child to grow up in.

M - MAKE CONNECTION

This last part happens once the storm is over. It may sound cheesy, but take a moment to make eye contact with your child and remind them that you love them no matter what. Restoring connection with your child after a big meltdown can look a lot of different ways. You know your child best. For my kid, nothing beats reading a book or sitting down on the floor to play with Duplos. Whatever you’re doing, make sure you get on their level, your phone is tucked out of sight, and your child knows you have their full attention. 

NOT JUST FOR TODDLERS

The best part about the “I bring the calm” motto? It doesn’t just work on toddlers. As much as we’d all like to believe that adults, with our rational thoughts and developed brains, don’t throw tantrums, we know that’s not the case. If there’s someone in your life who tends to escalate situations of conflict, you can bring the calm in those moments and choose not to match their level of reaction. This will allow you to stay grounded in your values--not allowing a situation to make you say or do something you didn’t mean. 

Above all, though, know that you are doing a good job. Being a human (and raising small humans) is difficult, and there will be times you lose your cool and raise your voice. (I was tempted to title this blog “I Bring the Calm: Or At Least It’s A Thing I’m Trying Sometimes!”) The important thing I like to remind myself is that mottoes like this are a practice. You’re not going to get it right every day. That’s not your job as a parent (or human) either.

Our job, instead, is to try to align our behavior with our values. To practice, to try, to repair and start again.

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