Self Care: Thinking Outside the Box

Reminders to prioritize self care are everywhere, but usually it’s exactly that vague: SELF CARE IS IMPORTANT! You can’t care for others if you don’t first care for yourself! 

If we dig deeper than #selfcare being used as a ploy to get people to buy skincare regimens, we will find more about the history of the phrase “self care” and its roots as a radical act, especially for people who identify as members of historically oppressed groups. audre lorde wrote of self-care as an act of political warfare, and as “self-preservation” for Black women, especially.

In an excellent article on the revolutionary origins of self care, Nicole Stamp writes, “In a society filled with messaging that certain types of people don’t matter, this kind of self-care contradicts, reaffirms, heals and fuels individuals to continue their work of overturning oppressive systems and strengthening communities.”

Self care isn’t about luxury--it’s about survival. But I’ve noticed lately that one piece that gets left out of the self-care equation is how individual it is. I’ve heard friends and acquaintances (BIPOC and not) share about their burnout or their traumatic experiences, only to hear another person suggest, “you should take a vacation” or “maybe you need a massage.” 

Maybe! But that assumes the benefit structure and personal resources for time away from work. And that assumes that all people like massage. (Personally, I hate strangers touching me, and find massage to be painful and stressful.)

Self care is unique for each person. Maybe you are attempting to bring a self care practice to your life, but you find that the stress of pure survival isn’t allowing for it. Or perhaps you’ve tried self care practices that leave you more exhausted than before. If so, it may be time to think outside the self-care box. 

SELF-CARE INVENTORY

A short inventory might help you begin to rethink how you can individualize your self-care practice: 

I feel most relaxed when_____________.

I feel most energized when________________.

I feel most tense when___________________.

I feel most drained when_________________.

I feel most myself when_________________.

Your answers should help guide you towards finding self care that is specific to you. It’s also worth taking note of your energy levels when you’re embarking on self care. Do I have enough energy to do this, or does this also feel like work? Am I just doing this because society tells me this is what “caring for myself” looks like? 

CATEGORIES OF SELF CARE

As you’re assessing what might be the best self care for you, consider self care that falls into different categories. What sounds most appealing in general, and also right now in this moment? 

REST - Take a nap. Lie down and listen to music or a podcast. Take a bath. Watch a show. Go to bed early.

CREATE - Journal, make art, take photos, try a craft.

MOVE- Take a walk outdoors, go to the gym, take an exercise class, stretch or do yoga.

CARE - Take a shower, organize one surface in your home, schedule a medical or dental appointment, do a chore you’ve been putting off.

CONNECT - Call a loved one, meet up with a friend for coffee or a walk, attend a meetup group or religious/spiritual gathering, volunteer for a cause, attend a rally or organizational meeting.

INDULGE - Think about all five senses--not just physical touch, like getting a massage or pedicure. Savor your favorite meal, drive to the nearest body of water, treat yourself to a small purchase (not necessarily anything fancy: my go-to is new hand soap--it’s about the scent more than the high of shopping). 

One thing I find helpful is to acknowledge that there are times in our lives when we are “inhaling,” and times when we are “exhaling.” There are times when what our brains need is to consume: to read, to listen, to watch. And there are times when we are drawn to create. You don’t have to be in create-mode all the time to identify as a creative person. Sometimes scrolling through Instagram is the self care you need right now. Creative energy ebbs and flows, and part of true self care is acknowledging that you’re not always in the same space. 

Other people’s definitions of self care may not apply to you. Though my raging feminist-self loves seeing articles like “Errands and Showers are Not Self Care for Moms,” there are definitely times when running a short errand (ALONE) feels like caring for myself...so it is caring for myself. As long as that’s not the only self care I’m practicing. (Then it becomes just another way mothers put themselves last, which leads to burnout.) Different phases of life and levels of obligation may render other people’s definitions of self care out of reach. It is not fair. But it is important to create a realistic self care practice that fits your life right now so that you have the energy to fight the systems keeping you from the practices others perform freely.

The “care” category of self-care is one that we often minimize or overlook. But it may be the most important practice of all. If you are going through a hard time, caring for yourself in the most basic way (shower, clean clothes, nourishing meal) may feel like all you can do. Especially when you are in the midst of a crisis or intense transition (caring for a new baby or an ill family member comes to mind), make sure you are taking care of these basic self-care needs first. Consistent showers and meals are more important than taking just one afternoon away for a pedicure. 

Even in less fraught times, I like to think about some types of self care as Present Me looking out for Future Me. Performing small acts of self care for my future self often looks mundane. Like washing out the coffee pot and grinding the beans for the next day. Taking a shower at night so I’m not trying to find time while parenting in the morning. Cleaning the toys off the floor so that the next day I have a peaceful room in which to work. Sure. It’s just chores. But chores that make Future Me feel calm and cared for. 

FIGHTING PRODUCTIVITY CULTURE

Does this sound familiar? When I do get a short block of time to myself, I catch myself panicking--like, “how do I use this time wisely?” There are a hundred things I could do for self care! Read a book, do art, take a nap...and then it’s like decision overload, and I just end up reading the internet. 

Instead of feeling guilty about this, let’s identify where that “use your time wisely” feeling comes from: it’s productivity culture worming its way into every corner of your life. Try to set aside the notion that your self care should produce anything or look any particular way (or that you have to report to anyone how you spent your down time). Taking a moment to do the self-care inventory may equip you with a list of go-to activities that make you feel better than others. (I do feel better after an hour spent painting than an hour spent on Instagram…). But resist the urge to moralize your self care practice. Going to the gym isn’t better than taking a nap. It all depends on what you need right now. 

CONSIDER YOUR DEAL BREAKERS

It may be helpful to add one more item to the self care inventory: your personal deal breakers.

“To me, self care is NOT____________.” 

For me, that would be “To me, self care is NOT multitasking.” Because I’m a mom and I also work, multitasking is unfortunately my norm. That’s life. Parenting while cleaning the kitchen. Parenting while exercising. Parenting while sending a quick work email. But for me, trying to fit self-care things in at the same time as parenting will never feel restorative. (Even when it goes more smoothly than a few weeks ago, when Laura Miles came over after her supervision group to catch up and share cheese plate goodies, and my child threw an hour-long tantrum.) 

My ultimate self-care standard? Free time where I’m not parenting, and I’m only doing one thing. 

SELF CARE WORKBOOK

These ideas are just the beginning when it comes to figuring out the best self care for you. How do you fit self care into your day when you’re already overwhelmed? How can we think about self care in the context of struggle and oppression? What kind of self care can I do that’s 100% free? If you’re looking for answers to these kinds of questions, or just want to dig deeper into making your self care practice more individualized, check out our free Self Care Workbook. It’s full of guided exercises, prompts for introspection, and more. 

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