Coping Skills for Caregivers
“You’re faced with an impossible situation,” I find myself often saying to clients.
Because of my specialization in perinatal health, I work with a lot of moms and female-identifying parents. Many of my clients are working from home while also taking care of pre-school age kids, or are continuing to act as a stand-in teacher/tutor/tech support liaison for their older children.
We’re in a high-achieving culture in the DMV (DC, Maryland, VA). Schools are ultra competitive, and one of the first questions you’re asked upon meeting someone new is “what do you do?”
Kids are stressed, parents are stressed.
We’re trying to “do it all,” which, right now, is actually impossible. Caregiving and extra meal planning and cleaning a house no one ever leaves and work? How? The pandemic has affected many women’s ability to stay in the workforce at all, effectively sending us back to 1988.
And yet, working or not, we’re still somehow supposed to ignore the isolation, death, and loss we’re experiencing and turn staying safe at home into some kind of cozy hipster homestead fantasy. While remembering to smile.
Writer Erin Boyle has an illuminating (and darkly relatable) blog post about, in part, comments she’s received on her Instagram:
“But you do have joy in your life, too, right? I wonder sometimes amidst the anger.”
“It sounds like you need a break. If you can afford it, I would suggest a break to recenter and refresh. Maybe your anger is a sign of the times, but it isn’t resonating with me, and I miss your more hopeful search for purity and wholesomeness and simplicity.”
The invalidation of mothers’ anger is pervasive--our feelings make other people uncomfortable, so we’re peppered with admonishments for our justifiable rage. If working from home has decreased the instances of being catcalled on the street (“smile, beautiful!”), it’s delivered an equally anger-inducing reminder that society still thinks women are here to beautify the surroundings. Purity, wholesomeness, and simplicity, indeed.
Boyle writes, “To answer the question of the commenter suggesting a refresh, I can’t afford to take a break. Like the majority of American families, my family relies on my income and like the majority of American mothers, I’ve seen almost nothing in the way of material support for juggling this load. Our jobs, in addition to the all-consuming, uncompensated work of parenting, are not vanity projects—selfish indulgences or special add-ons that can be cast aside if things just get to be too much to take. This isn’t true for me and it isn’t true for the vast majority of American mothers who need to earn an income.”
Every hour of every day is full, and parents are stretched so thin. Conventional ideas of “self care” feel out of reach right now. Is getting a pedicure or a massage worth the extra COVID anxiety? Are movie theatres even open where you live? Brunch with friends is a nope. Getting a babysitter for an evening used to be expensive. Now it’s expensive and involves a debate about risk and ethics.
Since the beginning of this pandemic, I’ve increased my practice of micro-self care and self-soothing to calm my nervous system. What can you do for yourself that takes a few seconds or a couple of minutes? (Or however much time before someone calls “MOMMMMM” again?)
We’re talking super simple behaviors that can provide a brief sense of relief or comfort. Imagine the impact of many moments throughout the day versus not being able to get to that larger self care item at all (much less the long leave of absence from work that, frankly, every parent on the planet needs right now).
Below I share a list of ten coping strategies that help with grounding (being present in the moment), self-soothing, and moments that simply help you feel okay.
The idea is that you can tap into your inner strength / resources at any time. Micro-self care won’t take away your anger at this pandemic and all we have lost, but it can bring you back to your body and help you to cope today. Notice the power that still exists within you, despite the structural failures and global catastrophe we are experiencing.
TEN MICRO-SELF CARE PRACTICES FOR COPING WHILE CAREGIVING
Look at the horizon (or a photo of the horizon).
Look at a photo of someone you love.
Play music that makes you remember a time when you were happy or makes you feel at peace.
Step outside, close your eyes, and listen to the sounds around you (birds, traffic, silence) without judgment--just observation.
Touch something soft (a blanket, a sweater, a pet).
Wash your hands. Notice the temperature of the water and the smell of the soap. Use warm water to feel calmer and cold water if you need to feel brightened.
Light a scented candle.
Smell an essential oil.
Make a cup of tea, coffee, or flavored water.
Have a snack.
Perform each action with intention, not just as a passive part of your day. Be in the moment with the sense you are experiencing. Remind yourself that you are worthy of care, and you are here--the day has not overtaken you.
Over the years, I’ve participated in The 100 Day Project, a global project where participants engage in a creative practice for 100 days and share their work. In some years, I created art every day for the full 100 days. Other years, I shifted direction after a month. I’m drawn to participate every year, but this year I’m trying something different. Instead of creating art (every day), I am focusing on creating and documenting mini moments of self-soothing. In a world with so much nervous system activation, self-soothing is an essential tool for wellbeing. If you’d like to follow along for more ideas for micro-self care, you can join me here.
