How to Set Boundaries During the Holidays This Year

Setting boundaries has a tendency to bring up all sorts of discomfort. Holidays are stressful for so many people — including those who enjoy holiday celebrations. This year, many of us are having to draw boundaries in a new way because of the pandemic. Maybe in previous years, you showed up to obligatory family gatherings because you felt like you could deal for just one day. But this year, when you expressed concern about the planned group gathering, the in-laws didn’t take it so well. Our brain reacts to comfortable and uncomfortable stress in the same way, by releasing cortisol in the body. In order to protect your mental and physical health, boundaries can serve as your symbolic armor.

What are boundaries anyways?

Boundaries are guidelines for how you will show up in life — emotionally, physically, spiritually — and how you will respond should someone attempt to step over your boundary or treat you in a way that simply doesn’t feel good.

It’s about living intentionally, protecting your mental health, and surrounding yourself with compassionate individuals. It’s also about knowing that you are worthy to be treated with respect, kindness, and compassion. Boundaries serve as a tool to preserve your energy. And this year, your boundaries also serve to protect your physical health as you take precautions against COVID. 

Use your emotions as a guide.

In thinking about the holidays, how do you feel? Acknowledge the layers of emotions you might be experiencing. 

I’m anxious because my family still wants to get together, and I’m scared someone will get sick.
I’m exhausted. Just exhausted.
I’m sad because we’ve had to cancel everything. The holidays feel joyless this year.
I’m annoyed I still have to make Christmas dinner when everything feels terrible. 

If it were completely up to you, how would you spend the holiday? 

A short exercise: Imagine yourself waking up on the holiday morning. You get out of bed, get dressed (or stay in your PJs), and continue throughout the day. In your most calm, relaxed state —  Where are you? Who is there (or NOT there)? What brings you peace of mind?

Now, go after that!

Of course it might not feel that simple. You might ask, “How am I supposed to set a boundary when the people in my life will react negatively to this change?”

Fear often serves as a motivator to ignore personal boundaries.

Many people push past their intuitive wisdom that says “don’t go” because they fear of upsetting the people for whom the boundaries exist. They fear being told that they “should” show up, go through the motions, and ignore discomfort. In comes the backlash of shame and disappointment. 

The fear of uncomfortable feelings invites uncomfortable feelings. How so? Let’s imagine this: You feel disconnected from your family and their approach to the virus, and you show up to the annual gathering anyway. Most likely you feel an obligation or have grown up to believe that no matter how you’re treated or what your feelings are, you still show up for family. You arrive early, engage in conversation, and start to feel the pangs of shame. There are more people present than you were imagining. Your relative makes fun of you when you keep your mask on indoors. You notice that you’re acting in a way to avoid upsetting someone, or you do everything you can to “keep things together” for the family. You’re stuck in an unhealthy pattern. The fear of setting a boundary has opened the door to toxicity.

Let’s go back to the short exercise — remind yourself: what do I want? 

Setting boundaries doesn’t mean all or nothing.

Perhaps you’ve connected with yourself and you do want to find a way to show up, safely, at the annual gathering. Connect with your inner wisdom and imagine the areas in which you’d like to offer emotional or physical protection for yourself. Remember that you have options. You can always skip the meal entirely, in favor of an outdoor-catch up. Or offer to set up a virtual gathering instead. 

If you do decide to skip holiday gatherings entirely this year, remember that you are doing your part to keep other people safe. Though it may not feel like it, you are not responsible for carrying or easing other peoples’ feelings of disappointment. 

Verbalize your boundaries.

It may be helpful to verbalize shifts in your boundaries and expectations for a holiday event. If you plan to spend less time at an event than previous years or not attend at all, share this intention with the hosts. You can choose to share minimal details or explain your intention. “Family, this year we’re taking extra precautions and won’t be coming inside. We do want to see you, though, so bring your heavy coat so we can chat in the yard.”

Not only do boundaries relate to your time and physical space, they also relate to discussion points and personal privacy. If there are certain topics that you set as off-limits (an emotional boundary), imagine how you will respond should someone attempt to discuss topics that make you feel uncomfortable. For example, someone brings up the topic of romance, politics, career, or any other topic that you prefer not to discuss. Share your boundary by saying something like, “I prefer not to talk about this subject.”

Remember that pushback can be a reminder of the importance of your boundary; prioritizing yourself is not selfish or unimportant. Simply restate your boundary; and, in the event that you continue to feel uncomfortable, you can always protect your emotional security. Walk away, leave early, or change the subject. You are worthy of taking care of yourself — your time, your energy, and your mental and physical health.